My secret.
I’m keeping more to myself lately because of everything I can’t explain. There’s so much pain bottling up inside me. It makes my stomach churn and revolt with frustration. I’m never as hungry. I’ve grown quieter, private and less human. I’m somewhere far away, looking for my happy place. You can tell I’m not really there because of how my eyes haze over.
I’m tired of trying desperately to keep it together. It’s been a hard couple of weeks of constant cravings and a persistent feeling of living on borrowed time. Wondering whether tomorrow will come, when I’ll get to see you again. Will we ever get our chance? I’m wishing we could just go back to the way things were. Rewind.
But I can’t because something is always reminding me of you. Wanting you to be here, with me. The emptiness, the loneliness, plunging deeply into my chest. I miss holding your hand as we walk down the streets, your soft lips (passionate on mine), your arms around my waist, my head against your neck, your hands in my hair...
The “I love you”s between whispers. Even the rushed tears when parting.
I can’t stop thinking. What is up with my heart? It doesn’t seem to obey me anymore.