Closer.
He starts the conversation by sharing a song with me, which is very typical of him. This one in particular is called Carry Me Away and I can’t remember the artist’s name, as I write but I could bet my entire life savings that it’s probably by John Mayer: he talks about his music quite often, lately.
You tell me this song reminds you of me because of how I showed you the truly wonderful things one could find happiness in, that there are so many, how I’m helping you figure yourself out and those tangled thoughts in your head.
“You make me better”, you say but I’m not sure I can completely agree. You’re good on your own, I don’t think you need me.
This song revolves around a girl who loves to live out loud, on her own terms, which is so much like you, Irene. It’s the motto you live by, one that used to be mine too and that I somehow lost along the way. I used to think I was such a bore, the greatest bummer and ever since we reconnected, you’ve managed to help me get it back. I’m appreciating life more, I’m definitely happier.
You thank me for all these things that I had no idea I was doing, whilst I thought that you were being that person for me too, the pure-hearted boy whom I can always, unconditionally lean on.
If only you were closer, if only we could meet again, I could show you just how crazy I really am. We could start to live the adventures we can’t seem to stop planning, on that wilder side of life.
In the meantime, I continue to play the song over and over again, like you instructed: the shuffle button long since forgotten and I smile every time I revisit that conversation in my thoughts, how happy and special you made me feel, how different you are from the rest.
I wish I could tell you this directly, face to face because I long for more than over text. Maybe when I’m feeling braver, if there’s a day for that but in your heart, surely you know all this, as you know me.